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Going Out Of My Mind  [Updated on 2008-07-11]
By: Swarnim Thapa 4423 views 0 Comments
The article below has been reproduced exactly the way it was sent to us by the contributor. No editing of any nature has been done so as to keep the authenticity of the writer's experience in his/her own words intact.(except for spelling corrections for obvious reasons) --- Editor (www.fursad.com)

It really feels nice when I go through the articles on your site. I truly feel for and relate to some of the contributors and what they have been through. I am specially encouraged to share my story because of most of the comments and advises that the readers post on them. Because I too am in need of different opinions and serious advises, I am prompted to share my story with you with the hope that I will get an answer that will help me decide on the path I ought to take. Please help me. This is how my story goes.

I first met Suraj in May of 2006. We got along pretty good from the start and moreover, he lived nearby. My family and me live in New Baneshwor whereas he lives with his mother down the street in the same locality. I started to really like him like a lot and before I realized, we were dating. He is now 24 and I am 23 and I guess he kind of took advantage of me but its my fault as well. I am the one who let him into the house when no one was at home. I surrendered myself to him and that was the day when I lost my virginity. To make a long story short, I was head over heels for him. I felt terrible the next day so I confided in my mother…like I was pretty sure I had an infection or something. Well that didn’t really go over too well with my mom who forbade me to see the guy again. So, there was no option but to see less of each other which led to us breaking up so to speak.

I started missing him a lot. I’m not even sure why I love him so much. He’s not that great. He does drugs, which I came to know of much later; every drug you can think of and he drinks; that’s not as bad but if you start doing it hardcore, it is. Don’t blame him either because his mom is an alcoholic as well. Every time I’d pass by his house, I would hope and pray that I would bump into him. Even to just see his face again would be enough. I could not take it any longer so one fine day, I mustered all my guts and went over to his house. I asked for his forgiveness and we hooked up again. I know, I know its not good and I realize that but I just had so much feeling for him… its kind of hard to understand.. Everyday when I was not with him I’d cry. It’s very pitiful and I can’t even help it. I did my best to cut off all contact with him for a while and got myself a new boyfriend. It didn’t work out. All I could think about was Suraj and even if we had been together, I know he would have cheated on me. So I dumped the guy I was dating and hooked back up with Suraj again…patched up our differences. I know it was not a good move but I just could not let my head rule over my heart.

We keep having arguments all the time and sometimes don’t talk to each other for weeks. We have just had one such major argument and have not met or spoken to him for nearly three weeks now but there is not a single day that I do not think of him and all the good times that we had together. I saw him at the mall yesterday and I think he called me from a distance but I just ignored him. I know it was the right thing to do. And yet, I still think about him. I love him but deep down inside, I know I shouldn’t. There is no future together. He is a real jerk! He is a liar and has cheated me in the past. At times, I hate him but I just want him back so bad. Currently I am seeing another guy and we’ve been hanging out. He is great and everything and we get along fine but he is just not Suraj. Don’t get me wrong. I like Nimesh a lot but Suraj is different… like the bad boy type and Nimesh just isn’t. I wish to completely erase Suraj out of my system and get on with my life but somehow I just cannot. There seems to be some kind of a hypnotic power that he has over me. Deep down, I also know that Suraj is not going to change himself even if we get back together. He’ll cheat on me and get high and do what he’s always done. So please…please advice me on how to get Suraj off my mind and carry on with my life with Nimesh. I would really appreciate it if you gave some advice, good, bad anything really! Thanks in advance.


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